Saturday, July 14, 2007

thinking...

Well, It has been a long time since I have had a good blog. Not that any in the past have been that great... but oh well. Now is the time to write... and so I shall!

Today is Saturday the 14th of July, 2007. Outside it looks sunny-ish, but it feels rather cold. A lovely winter day. I can hear an aeroplane flying in the sky, and several cars driving past a little too fast. I can also hear the microwave beeping... how lovely.

At this very moment, I am pondering all that there is to ponder. What to to wear tomorrow, what to do next week... and most importantly, what to be when I grow up. I should really hurry up and figure that one out, seeing I am pretty much almost grown up. You see, the problem is that I change my mind too often. And then I can't make up my mind at all. And then... well, I just don't know what to do! Having said that, I do have some idea what I want to be... and I have been here before. I do want to do it, but then I get scared that I will suck at it. I guess I am afraid of failing... and also afraid of not getting the chance to try. This current want has been a recurring want. I have skipped between wanting to do this and wanting to do something else. I actually tried to pursue the something else. I auditioned... I got a call back... and then, I got rejected. But it is ok... because it just simply wasn't meant to be, at least not at that time. And... I did try. But now... I don't even want to do that anymore. I'm happy that it didn't work out. But, is that just because I am scared? Because it would have been hard? I guess I can't be completely clear on that matter.

Back to the present want.

It will be hard. Many fail. I will have to work extremely hard to get up to standard to even have a chance at it. And even then... Will I be any good at it? With this one, I am almost scared of trying. But I want to anyway.

But then...

Is that what I am meant to do? Am I just being selfish... I mean, I just want to do it because I want to. It's not like its going to change the world or anything. Am I meant for bigger things? For different things? Eek. What does God want me to do. I really don't know. But at the same time... He can use anything I do. I might as well just start somewhere. Why not here? If I am not careful, I will end up doing nothing. I really don't want that to happen.

But for now... I am happy, because I have thought.

The end.

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